Bond Grrl I Will Be
Last night my dummy, immature, narrow minded, (I can go on & on ) James and I had and I'm not going to say a big fight about me being a bond grrl. He can't get past (what he say) "they are hoes" that we are beautiful intelligent, working, strong, independent, mothers, wives, women. He's sooo stupid!!! I told him not to talk to me any more about it and he got out the bed at mid-night and went home. (He went home, I made sure of that. But that's another topic. ) Now, you think I tried to stop him? NO, even though I have in the past. (I'm sure he thought I was.) He just doesn't' t understand that there are very important women in my life that I need/ have to help me become a better person and now I consider Solitaire one. He definitely needs a couple of mentors or role models to help him, because having a good job and great sex don't make you a man! LOL ; )So, when I fist told him about when I met Solitaire and how smart she was, how she had good ideas about relationships and life in general and that we are going on Oprah one day, he went on about how I don't know that lady and in the movies bond grrls are stupid for James Bond and so on. He couldn't open his mind and look beyond the movie and put it in a real life perspective as to what we are doing for ourselves. And I don't know what's wrong with me because, when ever I try to explain it to him I get my words mixed up and I can't get it together. But, I know what it means to be a bond grrl in my heart and I am doing this to make myself a better woman and mother.
I e-mailed him this morning and told him a thing or two. Not just about the bond grrl issue but about some issues about our relationship period. I'm feeling like we have come to a stand still. We've enjoyed each other up to this point (2 years in May) but where is "it" going? I told him that I'm not trying to move him in or marry him right now, but where do we go from here? Is there a future? Or are we just going to cont'd to do "this" what ever "this" is? I doubt he even tells me, he doesn't talk about relationship much. At least he knows what is on my mind. If he comes back with a rebuttal I'll let you know. Have a good day! I feel better now. : )
merrid
posted by Mica @ 9:25 AM
1 Comments:
What a pain in the neck :-)
I think the thing that's interesting (to me) is that he is putting you you what people often do -- they decide that they want to attack the "idea" of the Bond grrl as a "paradigm" -- and then don't go on to see the whole fEmpowerment part behind it.
It's easy to get your words tied up. And it's easy for him to be able to use Bond grrls from the 70s (when they were kinda stupid and feel for James -- hey, that was the 70s!) as an example of why what you are saying is "just wrong."
But it would be like pointing a kid at an Olympian (or a concert piano player, or a famous ballet dancer), and say "look, they can do it, you can too" and then of course there are ALWAYS the Olympians/piano players/ballet dancers that do drugs, that are just "not so nice." etc. There is always the exception to the rule....and the rule is a rule, it's not the specifics.
The "fighting fire with fire" of this is actually not to fight. It's just to smile and say "That's how I feel, I appreciate that it doesn't work for you, but let's see how it works for me as a motivating factor." He might say it's "stupid" to imagine yourself as Pussy Galore (judo-ing Bond, flying airplanes, and the like), but if that motivation means that you clean up your closet, lose weight, work out, get that "sly smile" going and the like..........then will he complain...?
I think that this comes down to "congruency." Let's say I say that I'm going to use -- you! -- as my role model. And someone knows you, and says "WELL, you might want to use HER but gee, let me tell you a thing or two." If I'm quick enough, I will stop them, because if I want to use you as a model, there is something about you that I really want to emulate -- that I want to use to spur me on. If someone wants to say "gee, what a dumb idea," why would they want to do that? Is it just to tell me that I am "stupid" to use you as a model, or is it because they don't agree you're "model material," or...? But either way, they are saying I am "wrong" somehow.
The thing is, it shouldn't matter. Let's say (again by way of example) I use you as a model. And you have faults I don't know about (or I do), but I'm using "parts" of you that I want as part of myself. Maybe not the "debt part," but I think you're an awesome mother and I'm going to just copy you until the cows come home! Or you are an amazing cook. Or you're a demon at the gym and get yourself there every day. What-evah. The deal here is that in someone telling me I have the "wrong" role model, they are seeing all the other stuff, and I just shouldn't care. Because I want to embody the part that I'm looking at -- the part that inspires me.
And you know what? If I DO IT, then it makes me that better person. The thing is, if I TALK about it (and don't do it), then they can pick on me all day long -- because they don't get to see that this "inspiration" is really working for me.
So part of all this is embodying what you preach. Saying you're inspired is fabulous and the first step. But after that, it involves doing what you're doing -- cleaning up the stuff that doesn't match.
It doesn't mean that there aren't "Bond grrls" out there that just swoon on James and are idiots. It doesn't mean that if I were to emulate, again by way of example, you as a mother (which I find to be awesome) I might "avoid" emulating you in the debt part (smile).
So "arguing" about being a Bond grrl and what that means is not the way -- the way is to embody it. And by embodying it, and having fun with it -- and feeling what you think it means -- and being brave, and GETTING to the gym, getting things in order, etc. -- then ANYONE (including your James) will look at you and say "well, that would not be MY choice of a role model..........but dang, look at HER."
It's my opinion that usually people get the most push-back from people who are "invested" in you NOT changing. Maybe, because it means that they feel deep down they should be investigating their OWN lives -- and they don't want to. So they tug you down, so that THEY don't need to realize that GEE, maybe they need to be doing something very similar.
Let's say your James wanted to be a zillionaire -- maybe he would decide to emulate Donald Trump. You might come back with "OH NO YOU DON'T -- he is a womanizer and a mean guy and ruthless." But maybe that's not what your guy is looking at -- maybe it's how he did his investing -- maybe it's his networking ability -- etc. The thing is, if he doesn't start doing it, if he doesn't start practicing what he's preaching to get where he wants -- OR if he starts emulating the BAD stuff, there is a chance to complain.
But complaining for the sake of what someone holds as their "model" -- if that model is WORKING for that person (again, this is the key!) -- is just silly. In the "shake your head, I am so sorry you don't get it" silly kinda way.
Right?
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