Best Friends
I have 3 very best grrl friends. I love them all the same and they all serve the same and some different proposes in my life. We all grew up on the same block and know each other very well. Ms. P, I've known since I was about 4 or 5. Pink, I've know since kindergarten so say 5. E-z, since I was 11. So you can see why I call them all my very best grrl friends.We all are doing pretty well with our lives career wise, on the relationship front I may the only one that has some stability (& you know what I'm going through so you can say that their stuff is messed up) in a relationship. Ms. P & Pink both have 2 beautiful children boy & girl. E-z none & she probably wont have any.
I just got off the phone with Ms. P and she's very depressed. She said that her life is in "shambles". I know why she said that but when she mentioned it I asked her was the kids o.k.?
"Yes."
"How the job?"
"Fine."
"Mom, dad, sisters, brothers?"
"Good."
"Health?"
"Perfect."
"Well what's wrong P?"
then she goes, "I hate John and I've been taking all my anger out on everybody and that's not like me!"
And, that's where the problem begins. She has this Ex that is the worst kind of man I've ever known. He's very abusive emotionally, mentally and physically . I mean if you see the short loser you would think that he's wasn't worth her even talking to from the beginning. They were together 4 years but from the start of the relationship she should have saw that he wasn't for her. Our first encounter wasn't pleasant because she came down to my mother's house crying with a black eye asking me to come and "talk to him" because he took some fuses out her car and she can't leave her mother's house. Well, I was already heated from the way she looked and was acting. So when I go over there, We start cursing each other out and all of that. Anyway, we never liked each other and that affected Ms. P and my relationship cause he didn't want her to talk to me. He and I have had altercations up to last week when she and I and another girlfriend went out for drinks and he showed up there (she called him) and he put his hands on her in front of me and I tried to beat his head off with the first thing I could grab. Anyway, I 'm rambling...
So, I'm trying to encourage her and tell her that she's such a great person that that man just wasn't the man for her and that God will send the one to her and to be patient. She just wont get him out of her mind, she says things like "he needs to change" and"she just wants him to do right". I think that her self-esteem is very low although she one of the most beautiful women around with a petite cute shape. She has dated professional baseball players, business owners, I mean she can get any man she wants but chose to want this ugly fool! I don't know what to say to her. I don't think she listens to me I try to talk to her very positive and let her know that she can get passed him but I think that she just don't want to listen to me. We've had some words before about him and I didn't say anything nice. Ms. P has issues deeper than John. When she was coming up she did have family problems with her father but I was just thinking that she could get past that and not want to raise her daughter in the same environment that she was in.
I don't know, I'm going on and on but I don't know how to handle this. She doesn't want to listen to me and her family is all f---ed up so they can't guild her on the right path. I just hate to see her feel that way about a man.
posted by Mica @ 3:30 PM
4 Comments:
There is a book, and it's called "Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting." I might have a link to it on the doubleoh.com website -- but I think it's an awfully good book when I think about your friend.
As she keeps talking and talking and talking about this guy -- she is "magnetizing" him "to her." If she feels that she has to "change" him -- well, men are just not like that, you don't get to buy one and then "demolish and remodel" him. I think you're probably right -- her self esteem is probably pretty low -- but the key here is that there are various steps to "increase" from feeling really depressed (which is like -20) up to like "bliss" (which is like +20). The thing is - you can't often "get there from here" -- meaning, if you're totally depressed, and you get ANGRY, often people want to push you back down (because when you are depressed, it's a lot easier on THEM than anger). But if you are angry -- you can breathe better -- so it's closer to bliss (breathing = good = joy). From Anger, you can "move up" to Revenge (tho of course you don't want to act on it!) -- there is more "power" in Revenge. From there you can even move "up" to overwhelm -- and on up like that.
I think that the thing is here is that (don't shoot me), you are being sort of like one of those Alcoholic Enablers with your friend. When a friend is an alcoholic, if you let them talk about the alcohol, what it's doing to them blah blah -- on and on -- they bring you down, and they are magnetizing that "to them." You have to set up a "zero tolerance zone" about this subject with your friend.
I know that is going to be super hard -- b/c you are a "giver." But the deal here is that you just can't let her talk about this with you any more -- again, it is like gossipping, it's like any jawing that does NOT MAKE YOU FEEL JOYFUL.
She might shun you if you do this -- and you're going to feel bad b/c you're going to feel that "someone" should be "there for" her. The deal is, you ARE there for her. You're there to help make "virtual realities" about her life without this guy. You are there to do things that make you FEEL JOYFUL. That is the key here, my friend. If you are doing something that doesn't make you feel joyful, and you can change it -- you MUST.
Because for every second you're not joyful, you are magnetizing that garbage to YOU, too.
So it's time to be strict, and set up a "zero tolerance zone" on this stuff. Sounds like she has kids with this guy -- which is a bummer -- but it doesn't have to be the be-all end-all. He won't change, period, end of story. She's gotta stop hitting herself upside the head for (in my story) getting pregnant with a guy who is NOT who she was "fantasizing" he was. Why did she get pregnant (twice) by him? (Sounds like?) Was she trying to "make him a family man" by giving him a family? Was she living some fantasy and now she won't face that she was making it all up?
The faster we can get out of debt, out of relationships that are not joyful, even out of jobs that we "hate", the faster we are going to reach abundance and riches -- this is no joke. "Luck" follows you when Love and Joy follow you. And that's what God put us here for -- that is what we are for. We are the leading edge of thought for God. We embody in our spirit a spark of God, and that's the way that we are even all creating an amazing world, through this spark. God has no "body" -- I think of this every time I have sex (oh, don't blush!) -- I keep thinking "hey, you up there in Heaven, tap into some of this, nice huh?" That's what we are here for -- we're here to embody JOY and LOVE for God.
That's my own personal view -- but I believe it's honestly true. The more we dwell on anything that doesn't make us feel good -- the more we attract it. If we were all to take FIVE minutes every morning just to imagine our day, things going GREAT, say our PRAYERS of THANKS for the wonderful wonderful things in our life ("I thank you God for my baby Bond grrl paying her credit cards...") -- and we stay in that frame of mind, and we get in our car, and instead of the news which has war and disaster in it, we listen to music that juices us up, and we feel joyful, well, the cars around us are going to be with people like that too (more like). BUT if we are frantic, stressed out, stub our toe, listen to war -- well goldarn it, someone cuts in our line, and we get more and more away from that Joy.
So from today on -- and as especially with dealing with others -- if you feel Joy leaking out -- you gotta say..."Gotta Go." You gotta say..."I'm sorry honey, I love you, but we're just stirring the same pot. This doesn't make me feel joyful -- I gotta jet."
If anyone calls you SELFISH -- and listen to this -- that's actually b/c you are thinking FOR YOURSELF not THE WAY THEY WANT YOU TO or with THEM COMING FIRST. ANY ANY TIME someone has the "selfish" word come out of their head, it's b/c that person just didn't get what THEY wanted out of you. If you are doing something that makes you joyful -- then you be as selfish as you can. And I don't mean buying-$200-jeans-and-no-thinking-of-tomorrow-joyful -- THAT IS NOT joyful. I mean smiling in your James' eyes joyful. I mean tucking your daughter in joyful. I mean paying the credit cards joyful!
Keep selfish about your joy. And be STRONG about buzzkills in your life -- stop enabling those stories by "being nice and supportive." Something's gotta change -- and sometimes, by being "supportive," you're helping them to NOT change.
Hang in there!
I am not sure it will be there when you actually log in, but on http://www.abraham-quotes.com/ there is a quote (it's a long long one) for today (tho it was there yesterday too, so it might be gone soon) about this exact subject. Talks about how we are totally and fully responsible for our own "vibration." It's very very appropriate...it just might be gone by the time you get this, and I tried to cut and paste it here and it won't let me :-(
Angel Mama,
That's the crazy thing about the relationship! Her two children aren't by loser boy, they are by her high school sweetheart. I understand about being an enabler to her. A while ago I did tell her that I didn't want to talk about him anymore and it worked for a while! We talked less but we didn't talk about him. I am going back to that again.
Well, I just paid another $200 bill!!! I'm getting like a high from this. Pretty soon I'm gonna be a bill free sista. I'm trying to get to the point where the only lenders I owe will be Sallie Mae. I was just telling my brother (who was trying to get $100) that if I get this job I interviewed for last month I will be debt free in three years. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Wa-hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you GO GO GO! That is SO FINE about the $200!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome awesome awesome!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sad about Pink. (Though I have to tell you, I'm super glad re the kids' dad not being this guy.)
The thing about ~her~ is.....ta da....we can't remodel our grrls, either (like she can't remodel him). And my guess is that she's dwelling on this, she's "drawing" and "magnetizing" him to her. This is such a shame.
I read a great "zen"/Japanese story the other day. A zen "master" was visited by a student. The student had worked long and hard to get there, and he had all these questions for the master. The master said -- "Just sit down a second, let me get you some tea." The student was BURSTING with questions and fidgetting, etc. but he squirmed himself to a stop and kept saying "Master, I have some questions for you, it was such a long hike" and the Master's smiling and quietly making the tea....finally he gets the tea and starts pouring it for the guy. The student is watching and watching, and suddenly the tea is up to the rim -- he starts to protest, thinking this old guy is maybe senile -- and it starts over flowing! He jumps back, says "Master! This cup is totally overflowing! What are you doing?!" And the Master says "that is like your life and your mind. Before anything new and good come into it, you have to stop asking questions, you have to stop filling and filling, you have to STOP -- and empty the cup. With a totally full cup, nothing new can come in -- and it just keeps overflowing with the same stuff."
With Pink, my guess (tho I don't know the sistah) is that her cup is totally full, and she's not taking a breath and emptying it out, and then KNOWING that when she pours the beer out, the champagne will pour in.
I remember when I first met my James. I was getting out of a relationship where the guy was actually a dog, and it was such a surprise. We had been together for 8 years. Then I found out he had been cheating on me -- oh, you know, "only because" he would never pay bills, would always have an excuse, but he was SO fine and so "nice" that I kept putting up (but finally I lost respect, and so there wasn't a lot of sex in the house so to say.) He found another woman (women!) who "understood" him more -- of course, oh NO that's not cheating, in his mind, I was just so ~mean~ because I wouldn't give him what he wanted with him not being able to contribute.
Then I had a relationship with a guy who was the "dangerous kind" as it were -- whew, brother of a friend, what a disaster (though I lost about 50 lbs during THAT one out of stress.) THEN I decided I would just "date" and not even think about it (you know, that "forget THIS, men are dogs but I can still have fun, but NO ONE is gettin' some from the sistah.") So during my round-robin dating, I met my James.
He started out really HATING me (oh my, what a story THAT was), but b/c he didn't know me. (We worked at the same company and I told him he couldn't do what he was doing -- my company bought his company and he was a "star" and so they'd let him do things like get bills paid without a contract and such -- um, no.) Anyway, for the first (yikes) like 3 YEARS he was never "serious" (but he was NEVER a dog -- always a stable job, such like that). He was always looking for something different, but wasn't really "looking" (just saying "this isn't it"). Because we didn't have that instant "spark oh stay up all night googly eyed" thing goin' at first (hey how could we? He hated me!)
I knew tho that without ANY changes in HIM (except his thinking I was the Princess LOL), that he was the One for Me. And so I just stuck it out. And now look at me -- dead happy, amazing, and ~Mrs~ James (shhhhhhhhhhhhh).
So the lesson there is that I did not try to "remodel" him -- and that's where Pink needs to be. Also, I emptied my "cup" out from my one relationship, DID have an "in between" nasty nasty relationship (it was fun but OH BOY the stress -- as an example, dude came to me after I found out from his SISTER he was getting MARRIED to his high school sweetheart and said "oh yeah Solitaire but she's terrible in bed and so can't we just keep doin' this?" HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) Then I dated, dated, dated, but kept strong towards especially Bad Boy (who STILL TO THIS DAY emails me -- I keep sending these emails to my best friend saying "GET THIS!!??") -- and was just emptying my cup, and the -- surprise -- it got full again.
But the thing is -- no one can empty a sistah's cup for her. It's scary -- but Ms Pink has to pour the beer out, and KNOW -- Magnetize! -- that champagne to her.
AWESOME AWESOME RE THAT BILL, did I say that already??? YIPPEE!!!!!! You are SO going to do it!
PS: Oprah today, don't miss it, all about putting America on a Diet -- did you see it? I'm taping it, I want to see what it's about. As you know, I love Oprah!
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